best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Randomize
