I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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