I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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