i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
