Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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