Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
