'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
