Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
