things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Is Oprah even human
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
