turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
