the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
