imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
