you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
No subtext here. People are naked.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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