someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
