I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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