I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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