I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
