Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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