I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
