Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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