apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
