I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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