She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
