Only a mothe r could love this liver
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
