Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
