I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
