i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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