What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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