Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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