The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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