I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
