So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
