I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
