I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
