I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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