Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
