I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
