I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
