Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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