yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
