I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
