dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
