me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
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