This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize