So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
