I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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