I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
