you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
