I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
