so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
