My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize