drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
