Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
