Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
