Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
