Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
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