I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
