i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
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