I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize