New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
