I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
