my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
