I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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