I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
