My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
