If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
