I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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